I'm not quite sure how to start this off other than just plainly stating that I just realised I've been nonbinary for as long as I can remember. But this is the first time I'm saying this so casually out in the open so I guess happy coming out day to me? I'm officially alphabet mafia. I'm officially part of the clerb. In all seriousness, I'm really just doing this for me. Over the past couple months, I've been realising day by day that not only do I just not care about conforming to cis-heteronormativity - I'm just simply not that. Which absolutely checks out and everything is all of a sudden making total sense to me, so if you're also in your 30s finally realising that there are words to help describe what you've been feeling your whole life, I'm right there with you. These words exist to help us validate our lived experiences so that we can make sense of our lives. Ultimately, we all deserve to live a dignified, liberated life where we have access to unapologetic joy and safety. If I were to describe how I feel about my gender expression, the best way I can paint the picture is that if you can visualise a spectrum where on one end it's hyper feminine and the other end is hyper masculine, I'm not even on this spectrum because I'm in a whole other frequency where I feel my expression is transcendent. What that looks like in the physical realm is that I don't fit nor care to honor the societal expectations that are expected of women. Does that mean I don't care about being nurturing? Absolutely not. It's actually quite the opposite - as a kids dance and yoga instructor, I'm honored to teach the next generation how to feel empowered in their movement expression. It's actually one of my greatest honors to do this kind of work. In fact because of this work and my interaction with many youth over the past 8 years, it's helped me realise that my nurturing instinct feels the most powerful when I'm simply caring for others regardless of age or blood relation to me. That's one of the reasons I feel transcendent. A child doesn't need to be related to me by blood for me to care about them unconditionally and I believe that in itself is a very queer concept. Now how all this bleeds into my movement expression is quite simple - because my dance, yoga, and martial art movement practice helps me access every single part of me, I've BEEN feeling transcendent. I feel the most aligned with my enlightenment when I'm moving in sync with my breath, and my body feels weightless. I'd imagine this is how flying feels. As a woman, it feels incredibly liberating to enter a place in life where you're in control of when the performance starts and stops. I'm an entertainer at the end of the day so of course there is a part of me that knows when I'm doing the whole razzle dazzle, but there is a huge sense of relief to know and understand the power of saying no. It can be a foreign feeling at first, especially for all my AFABs (assigned female at birth), but once you use that muscle more and more, you start to feel more natural at flexing it. I'll admit I'm not quite there yet, but I do feel such a sense of relief knowing I truly can walk away from situations and people that are pressuring me to perform a certain way. Women don't owe anyone anything. If I'm dressing up nicely, it doesn't mean I have to parade myself around like an object for people. If I want to give a cute strut around to show off how nice I look that day, that's my choice. And I'm not asking for anything because my body doesn't belong to anyone but me. I feel this concept with cis-women can be hard to break down because we're so conditioned to only look nice for the male gaze. But what happens when you just want to look nice because it makes YOU feel good? That right there is us smashing the damn patriarchy. I've taught countless classes and workshops for women and femmes and I know the exact moment when a woman feels uncomfortable in their dance because the choreography is asking them to own their sensuality, but if it's just other women around, then who are we doing it for? I'm proud when women finally have their a-ha moment on the dance floor when they realise they don't need a man in the room to access that power. You can just access it WHENEVER you want. And THAT'S p*ssy power at its finest. I say I'm divinely c*nt because my gender expression is spiritually and unapologetically feminine. I love being a woman. I love having a p*ssy. I love pretty things and I love feeling my feelings. I'm not a woman in the context of patriarchal and colonial framework. I'm a woman in the context of being f*cking free to choose my own destiny and not have to explain myself. I knew once I de-centered men, this framework of living made the most sense to me. It feels like putting on a pair of cute jeans that have always been in my closet but I never wore it because I felt like I didn't have the right to wear it. Queerness is fluid and it can be a lot to unpack for folks, especially if they're unfamiliar with how to hold space for these different ways of living. But just know that I am divinely feminine, I don't f*ck with patriarchal societal expectations, and I unfortunately am still only attracted to men. But I am demi-sexual so I'm only attracted to men who have the capacity to formulate their opinions and hold space for other opinions, and not let every single opinion presented to them influence their's - you get it, right? To put it simply, I'm attracted to intellect and the power to overthrow a whole system that benefits them for the good of everyone. I'm attracted to a man who can say with his whole ass chest "we're not free until we're ALL free." With all that said, here's to a new year, a new adventure, and infinite ways to express my divine c*nty power - on the dance floor and off the dance floor. On the mat and off the mat. In your screen and away from it because at the end of the day I, and other women, don't owe you any kind of explanation. But because I'm nice, I gave you one anyway. And so it is. :)
Comentários